Nuclear Beef

If Bin Laden had been politically clever, he would have phrased his message in the terms of Iraqi nationalism. By siding with the narrowest sliver of Sunni extremists, he denied himself any real impact....It appears that Bin Laden is so weak now that he is forced to play to his own base, of Saudi and Salafi jihadists, some of whom are volunteer guerrillas in Iraq.

Of course, this clashes with the election-year meta-narrative that the war in Iraq has been a distraction from the war on the REAL terrorists and has in fact made them stronger. If Bin Laden has been made stronger by Bush's inept cowboy opposition, why is Cole saying he's 'so weak'?

But that's not the fun part. The real shadenfreude comes from the cognitive dissonance which results when Kevin Drum linked Cole on his blog which (unlike Cole's) accepts comments. Here's some of the high-lights:

First, Denial.

There will probably be a LOT of Sunni-on-Shia violence over the next couple of weeks in places like Pakistan after this tape. Probably some increased Shia-on-Sunni violence in Iraq.

But this WON'T drive the Iraqi Shia into the U.S.'s arms, nor cause the anxious Sunnis to relax and get ready for the elections.

Posted by: Matt Davis on December 28, 2004 at 12:40 PM

Why? It's unclear, but Matt sure seems SURE about it. Have no fear, every silver lining has it's cloud! Bin Laden may be weak, but that'll cause more violence too!

This is all bullshit and Juan Cole knows it. He simply wants to appear here as if he is sympathetic to the stated US goals of achieving stability in the region.
Posted by: A on December 28, 2004 at 1:23 PM

That begs the question, is he now on the payroll like Saddam was for so long? Or was this a fake video planted by someone other than OBL?
Posted by: melior on December 28, 2004 at 2:04 PM

So, which will the Iraqi Shiites choose:

(1) the hamfisted and clumsy foreigner George W. Bush, whose party has betrayed Shiites repeatedly in Iran and Iraq throughout the years and which repeatedly allied itself with the Sunni "extremists" and who is friends with the Saudi Royal family, the foremost practitioners of Wahhabism and who tolerates, and even preaches, the religious superiority of Christianity over Islam; or

(2) the guy who is fighting George W. Bush and the Great Satan (America for those of you unfamiliar with Shiite terminology), who is an Arab, and who is a Muslim?

Guffaw, guffaw.

Juan vive en Fantasyland.

Posted by: Advocate for God on December 28, 2004 at 3:10 PM

If my country is run by War Criminals must I hope for the success of my country in a war based on war crimes; a success that will vindicate my country's War Criminal government? Answer: A secular humanist would only choose humankind over their country, Juan Cole!
Posted by: trueblue on December 28, 2004 at 1:53 PM

OBL is not the enemy of the Iraqui people;
aWol's mercenaries are. Posted by: Self-Negotiator on December 28, 2004 at 2:13 PM

And anything, but anything like a suggestion that maybe it's a good thing that Bin Laden appears weak in Iraq... and that maybe there's a reason for this, and it has to do with the US killing and capturing lots of jihadi assholes. That maybe, just maybe, Bin Laden is weak in Iraq because his thugs do not represent the political aspirations of the majority of Iraqis.

Is it unreasonable to think that maybe the commentors aren't really too happy to have Juan Cole tell them some good news about the so-called War on Terror?

Nah, couldn't be! THE TERRORISTS ARE UNSTOPPABLE!

STRUGGLING JUST MAKES IT WORSE!

Posted by darwin at 04:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

(From incitor: I'm privileged to be one's of darwin's closer friends, and he's been trying to get me to write something at least a little coherent to contribute to 'Beef for some time. Boy, is he going to be red!) [ed -- are you calling me a Communist?]

Bob Herbert's recent article for the New York Times is possibly one of the most poorly reasoned I've read in a long time. Considering the terrible quality of journalism, and in particular of editorial writing, these days, that's saying quite a lot, I think.

Witness:

You might think that the debacle in Iraq would be enough for the Pentagon, that it would not be in the mood to seek out new routes to unnecessary wars for the United States to fight. But with Donald Rumsfeld at the apex of the defense establishment, enough is never enough.

Leaving aside the question of whether or not Iraq is truly a 'debacle' as there is so much disagreement, I choose to lament Herbert's phrasing, 'enough is never enough.' Let's face it, Bloom County was a pretty damn amusing comic in its time, and the whole Lee Iacocca - Too Much Is Never Enough bit was damn funny. But Herbert can't even get it right.

Pentagon officials are putting together a plan that would give the military a more prominent role in intelligence gathering operations that traditionally have been handled by the Central Intelligence Agency. They envision the military doing more spying with humans, as opposed, for example, to surveillance with satellites.

As Jason Van Steenwyk pointed out, is there any evidence that more satellites (whose launches so pollute the environment! horror!) will prevent attacks such as those of 9/11? No, there is no such evidence. Many in the military and intelligence communities have been complaining for decades that our lack of HUMINT - HUMan INTelligence assets, has been a serious threat to our security. It was a problem at Desert One in Iran, it's a problem in China and North Korea now I'm certain. Spies, yes spies, are needful to the security of a nation.

Further encroachment by the military into intelligence matters better handled by civilians is bad enough.

Wait. Why is this bad? What proof is there that intelligence is better handled by civilians. Uh, didn't the CIA allegedly screw up big time both before 9/11 and before the resumption of war in Iraq? Perhaps Mr. Herbert, if he can bear learning anything about Israel that isn't fed to him by the left, should consider Aman also known as Agaf ha-Modi'in, Israel's military intelligence. Although they've had their share of mistakes over the years, many would consider them the most important part of Israel's intelligence community. While the Mossad is widely feared by leftwingers and conspiracy theorists the world over, it is Aman who does much of the most vital intelligence work. They don't always get the sexy jobs, but intelligence isn't about saving the world from supervillians and then banging scary looking seven foot tall black chicks.

Consider the overall success of Israel's military and intelligence efforts since 1948. Consider that since the 60s, Israel has faced terrorism in a variety of forms. Now explain to me again why their system isn't worth emulating, even a little?

The geniuses in Washington have already launched one bogus war, which has cost tens of thousands of lives and provoked levels of suffering that are impossible to quantify

Please, resumed a bogus war! Aha.

I suspect that reason we cannot quantify the level of suffering is that the terrorists just aren't transparent in their operations. Although that seems to be changing. It's a shame Saddam isn't still in power, he kept things nice and pleasant for Iraqis.

We don't need to be contemplating new forms of warfare waged for the sole purpose of gathering intelligence.

Why? Why should we not contemplate new means for gathering intel? Not, mind you, that the means are truly new. One of the first things a military commander must do is figure out where his enemy is. That is a form of intelligence gathering, and many of our special forces capable units has that as one of their primary missions already. All we really need to do is unleash them.

The war in Iraq was the result of powerful government figures imposing their dangerous fantasies on the world. The fantasies notably included the weapons of mass destruction, the links between Al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein, the throngs of Iraqis hurling kisses and garlands at the invading Americans, and the spread of American-style democracy throughout the Middle East. All voices of caution were ignored and the fantasies were allowed to prevail.

As opposed to fantasies propagated by the mainstream media of Iraq unilaterally destroying its chemical weapons stockpile, while simultaneously forcing out inspectors... *cough* Syria. *cough* And which agency was responsible for the WMD claims? The CIA, a civilian agency, run by George Tenet who famously claimed that the case was a 'slam dunk.'

This latest overreach by Mr. Rumsfeld is a sign that the administration, like a hardheaded adolescent, has learned little or nothing from the tragic consequences of its wrongheaded policies. The second term is coming, so buckle up. It promises to be a very dangerous four years.

I think that this administration has very much learned a lesson about policies. Looks to me like they're giving the go ahead for real intelligence reform, and the development of improved methods and actors. A dangerous four years? Yes. For our enemies.

Posted by incitor at 11:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Ineffable Anti-American Comedy Audio Beef Today. Not Music!

'I'm Not an American, I'm a Nymphomaniac', audio clip from the 2003 film The Saddest Music In The World

[MAN and WOMAN get into bus, driven by BUS DRIVER]

BUS DRIVER : Are you an American?

WOMAN : I'm not an American, I'm a nymphomaniac!

BUS DRIVER : Well, as long as you're not American, you can be whatever you like.

WOMAN : [ gestures towards man ] Well, he's an American!

BUS DRIVER : You're mistaken! He may have the stink of America on him, but I assure you, he's Canadian. 100 percent!

Ah, the stink of America. Must be the reason for the classic look on the guy burning the American flag up there... smells like... freedom. I'm sorry to say, the quote doesn't make much sense in context, either.

Enjoy the Audio Beef, and remember: As long as you're not an American, you can be whatever you like!

Posted by darwin at 03:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Who Can Put a Price On Peace Audio Beef Today. The Palestinians at the local liquor store get a lesson from Dave Mustaine and Megadeth.

'Peace Sells' by Megadeth from 1986's Peace Sells... But Who's Buying?

Just had a wonderful holiday encounter, Bay Area Style!

I have a hairstyle which gives people the impression that I am Hasidic, though I'm not Jewish at all. The hairstyle expresses my sense of whimsy. So, I was purchasing some Christmas Cheer at a local Liquor store, and the transaction went something like this :

STOREKEEPER : So are you a Hasid?

DARWIN : No, in fact I'm not even Jewish. I just like the hairstyle.

STOREKEEPER : Well, you should tell the Israelis to stop killing Palestinians! They even killed Arafat!

DARWIN : Well, there are certainly bad people on both sides. I hope they all decide to stop being violent.

STOREKEEPER : Some day, the Israelis will pay for everything they've done to the Palestinians!

DARWIN : Well, there's been lots of suffering on both sides.

STOREKEEPER : What? There hasn't been any suffering on the Israeli side, but there will be!

DARWIN : Well, I think maybe Islamic Jihad are not so nice. I hope that both sides stop fighting. Peace to you, brother.

So I left, and as I was walking away, one of the guys yelled "Palestine!" at me. Charming example of Christmastime in the Big Shitty, no?

Needless to say, I won't be shopping there again. Talk about a prime example of why the Palestinians are mired in endless ignorance, poverty and strife. Even a Palestinian living free in the Utopian Bay Area can't let go of his culture's glorification of death and violence and its hatred of even the appearance of Jewishness. Wicked Awesomer!

Merry Christmas, everyone! And an extra special Happy Birthday to the most famous Jew ever! (No, not Leonard Nimoy.. Jesus.)

If there's a new way,
I'll be the first in line...
But it better work this time!

Can you put a price on peace?
Peace sells... But who's buying?

(I am so getting myself a T-Shirt of the above image. Fighter Planes bombing the UN? Merry Christmas to me!)

Posted by darwin at 05:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

So Bittorrent tracker Torrentbox.com has been served with a Cease and Desist letter from the MPAA. In document number three (listing examples of infringing material) we find this little gem :

“I don’t agree with the copyright laws and I don’t have a problem with people downloading the movie and sharing it with people as long as they’re not trying to make a profit off my labour. I would oppose that,” he said.

Or maybe this stance only applies to movies which are dishonest and manipulative hatchet jobs performed on a candidate during an election year.

Ah, capitalism, thy name is Moore!

(Yes, yes, I know.. Warner Legal and Michael Moore inhabit two different universes. Let me talk some trash and have a larf, eh?)

Posted by darwin at 12:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Melodic Similarity Flashback Audio Beef Today. Donnie and Marie Osmond ask Roxy Music if there's more than this.

'Deep Purple' by Donnie And Marie Osmond from 1976, collected on Greatest Hits

'More Than This' by Roxy Music from 1982's Avalon

Listen to both MP3s and it will become immediately apparent to you that Creative Genius Bryan Ferry jacked the start of the vocal melody for 'More Than This' from the 1976 hit 'Deep Purple.' 'Deep Purple' is by Creative Geniuses Donnie And Marie Osmond.

I'm no expert on Roxy Music, but I'm pretty sure that borrowing the hook on your biggest hit from the Osmonds is not a sign of genius.

('Deep Purple' was #42 on the top 100 of 1976. 'More Than This' didn't even crack the top 100. Well.. that settles that!)

Posted by darwin at 10:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

One Hit Wonder Rockabilly Audio Beef Today. Bob Luman wonders why everyone is so negative all the time.

'Let's Think About Living' by Bob Luman, collected on Classic Country

Here's another one from the "The More Things Change" file: Bob Luman playing one of the Oldies you never hear on 'Oldies' radio. With his tongue firmly planted in his cheek, Bob takes a swing at songs like 'The Leader of The Pack' and other tragedy-chic hits of the late 1950s. The current popularity of gangsters and thugs on mainstream radio reminds us that not much has changed in the intervening 40 years. For every song about "lovey lovey dovin'" there will always be five songs about "the feller with the switchblade knives." Same as it ever was.

This song broke the top 10 in 1960, and was number 92 of the top 100 of the year. Unfortunately, Luman never had another mainstream hit. He was apparently a pioneer in the hybridization of Country and Rock N' Roll and upset a number of Country music traditionalists in the process. Luman died relatively young from pneumonia, which (based on this song) is a darn shame. I'll have to remember to look for some of his CDs on my next visit Amoeba Records, but most of them which are in print unfortunately seem to be inexplicably expensive.

So won't you please join me and Mr. Bob Luman in thinking happy thoughts, if only for a moment? Let's think about living.

In every other song that I've heard lately
Some fellow gets shot
And his baby and his best friend both die with him
As likely as not

In half of the other songs
Some cat's crying... or ready to die
We've lost most of our happy people
And I'm wondering why

Posted by darwin at 09:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Tongue In Cheek Mento Audio Beef Today. The Jamaican Calypsonians and Dr. Kinsey gather information on the sexual behavior of a human being.

'Dr. Kinsey' by The Jamaican Calypsonians, featuring Lord Lebby, collected on Boogu Yagga Gal

Unless you've been living under a rock, you know that there's a new movie out, dramatizing the life of Dr. Alfred Kinsey. In addition to reviving some bogus accusations of 'encouraging pedophiles,' the film has re-opened the debate which followed Kinsey's original reports 'The Sexual Behavior in the Human Male' and 'The Sexual Behavior in the Human Female.'

So here's a little contribution to the debate from everyone's favorite Carribean island, Jamaica. Originally released in 1958, 'Dr. Kinsey' is a hilarious mento tribute to the man and his reports. A jumping groove and a funny lyric, what more could you ask for?

He asked her lots of questions along the road
Then write down the answers in a secret code
That sends to Indiana [ something Jamaican I can't understand ]
The keeper of the average like a baseball score

(Sorry for the delay getting this entry up. As you can see below, I've been having technical difficulties.)

Posted by darwin at 10:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

The people who host my files have apparently taken it upon themselves to summarily delete my entire Nuclear Beef directory without notifying me or asking me to move the files somewhere else. Until further notice, all links to media are broken. Sorry.

UPDATE : I still haven't heard anything from the admins, so I am restoring what I can from my harddrive at home. If anyone has a directory with all, most or some of the video or MP3, please contact nuclearbeef A@T gmail d0t com. Sigh.

UPDATE : I've recovered a lot of files, but there's still a lot missing. Look below the cut for what has been restored and what hasn't.

Video Beef Recovered :

03-NuclearBeef.com-Olympic_Opening_Ceremony-1-afghanistan.mpg
03-NuclearBeef.com-Olympic_Opening_Ceremony-2-iraq.mpg
03-NuclearBeef.com-Olympic_Opening_Ceremony-3-iran.mpg
03-NuclearBeef.com-Olympic_Opening_Ceremony-4-israel.mpg
03-NuclearBeef.com-Olympic_Opening_Ceremony-5-north_and_south_korea.mpg
03-NuclearBeef.com-Olympic_Opening_Ceremony-6-cuba.mpg
03-NuclearBeef.com-Olympic_Opening_Ceremony-7-palestine.mpg
03-NuclearBeef.com-Olympic_Opening_Ceremony-8-saudi_arabia.mpg
07-NuclearBeef.com-Strange_Housemates.mpg
08-NuclearBeef.com-VH1_Gets_Owned.mpg
39-Law_And_Order-Stoner_Lunch.mpg
40-NuclearBeef.com-GTA_DMT.mpg

Audio Beef Recovered :

MP3/01-the_russian_futurists-the_hall_of_fame_of_things_i_despise.mp3
MP3/02-lesley_gore-sometimes_i_wish_i_were_a_boy.mp3
MP3/02-michael_forshaw-the_melbourne_shuffle.mp3
MP3/04-cunninlynguists-thugged_out_since_cubscouts_f_jugga_the_bully_and_mr_raw.mp3
MP3/04-kno_of_cunninlynguists-lucifer.mp3
MP3/05-kelis-trick_me_club_mix.mp3
MP3/08-edit-screening_phone_calls.mp3
MP3/08-the_faint-desperate_guys.mp3
MP3/10-de_la_soul_ft_mf_doom-rock_kokaine_flow.mp3
MP3/11-cee_lo-the_one.mp3
MP3/12-the_coup-me_and_jesus_the_pimp_in_a_79_granada.mp3
MP3/13-madvillain-figaro.mp3
MP3/14-boy_robot--my_hearts_still_beating.mp3
MP3/14-boy_robot--the_last_dance.mp3
MP3/14-crackhaus-akufens_mornin_dump_in_the_bush_of_god.mp3
MP3/15-lfo-freak.mp3
MP3/16-si_begg-moveup_si_begg_club_mix.mp3
MP3/17-brand_nubian-young_son.mp3
MP3/18-the_police-murder_by_numbers.mp3
MP3/19-smokey_robinson_and_the_miracles-the_tears_of_a_clown.mp3
MP3/20-mary_lou_lord-cinderella_backstreet.mp3
MP3/21-brian_eno-burning_airlines_give_you_so_much_more.mp3
MP3/21-tones_on_tail-burning_skies.mp3.filepart
MP3/22-heat_sensor-fall_into_creek.mp3.filepart
MP3/22-prefuse_73-when_irony_wears_thin.mp3
MP3/23-danger_mouse_ft_ceelo_and_tha_alkaholiks-what_u_sittin_on_dms_26_remix.mp3
MP3/24-connie_francis-i_really_don_t_want_to_know.mp3
MP3/24-mario_winans-i_dont_wanna_know_feat_enya_and_p_diddy.mp3
MP3/25-de_la_soul-come_on_down_ft._flava_flav.mp3
MP3/25-de_la_soul-days_of_our_lives_ft._common.mp3
MP3/26-the_faint-let_the_poison_spill_from_your_throat_tommie_sunshine_mix.mp3
MP3/29-daedelus-i_sent_off_ii_sus_percoll_jogger_remix.mp3
MP3/29-daedelus-impending_doom.mp3
MP3/30-johnny_guitar_watson-strike_on_computers.mp3
MP3/31-anacron-friends.mp3
MP3/32-cherrywine-what_im_talking_about.mp3
MP3/33-conway_twitty_and_loretta_lynn-after_the_fire_is_gone.mp3
MP3/33-conway_twitty_and_loretta_lynn-as_soon_as_i_hang_up_the_phone.mp3
MP3/34-cornershop_presents_bubbley_kaur-topknot.mp3
MP3/35-azeem-non_stop.mp3
MP3/35-azeem-palm_wine_two.mp3
MP3/35-azeem_with_variable_unit-under_surveillance.mp3
MP3/35-dj_zeph-frogs_featuring_azeem.mp3
MP3/36-liquid_cop-pet_yr_cat_pet_them_pet_yrself_then_pet_me.mp3
MP3/36-liquid_cop-prissy_goes_to_beauty_school.mp3
MP3/36-liquid_cop-stoner_girl.mp3
MP3/37-beenie_man-memories.mp3
MP3/37-beenie_man_feat_mya-girls_dem_sugar.mp3
MP3/38-mike_post-law_and_order.mp3
MP3/41-10000_maniacs_feat_david_byrne-let_the_mystery_be.mp3
MP3/42-cowboy_junkies-state_trooper.mp3
MP3/42-cowboy_junkies-thunder_road.mp3
MP3/43-the_kinks-days_bbc_session_remix.mp3
MP3/44-harald_thune-personal_jesus.mp3
Orig_MP3/08-NuclearBeef.com-Sit_On_This.mp3
Orig_MP3/09-NuclearBeef.com-Darwin--Miuzi_Weighs_A_Spoonful.mp3
Orig_MP3/10-NuclearBeef.com-Bob_Stupak--Go_Out_Blasting.mp3
Orig_MP3/12-NuclearBeef.com-John_Peretti--Look_How_Sexy_He_Is.mp3

Audio Beef Still Missing :

01-mf_doom-untitled.mp3
02-girl_talk-i_want_you_back.mp3
03-popular_front-terrorist_attack_vocal_mix.mp3
04-cunninlynguists-falling_down.mp3
06-mos_def-b.m.t._ft._biz_markie_and_towa_tei.mp3
07-ben_folds-in_between_days.mp3
07-tricky-the_love_cats.mp3
09-holy_cow-planet_queen.mp3
11-krs_one-the_only_one_f_mad_lion.mp3
11-p_nut-youre_the_one.mp3
12-the_coup-wear_clean_draws.mp3
13-big_audio_dynamite_ii-rush.mp3
17-cat_stevens-the_hurt.mp3
27-parappa-check_and_turn.mp3

Posted by darwin at 02:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Country Cover Version Ouroboros Country Audio Beef Today. Harald Thune reaches beyond the grave to touch Johnny Cash's faith.

'Personal Jesus' by Harald Thune from Johnny Cash Special

The first thing regular readers (all 3 of you!) will notice is that there's no links on Harald's name or the album name. Usually there is, because I want you to learn about the artist whose music I have just posted and then buy their CD!

So why no links for Harald Thune?

Well, you see, apparently Harald Thune is from Norway. That means all of the pages about him are in Norwegian, or whatever they call their language in Norway. I have some Norwegian friends on the internets, but they're asleep right now and I can't tell my Bokmal from my Nyorsk. There's articles like this one which indicate that Harald Thune is into country music, and that he has many 'sitt prosjekt' which I can only assume means 'side projects.' I guess Mr Thune doesn't usually do covers of Johnny Cash covering Depeche Mode, or something.

Jeg er også tvilende til om Depeche Modes Personal Jesus burde vært med, uansett om Cash tolket den på slutten av sitt liv, siden han selv har en så sterk låtkatalog.

Not only does it look like line noise, it contains the awesomer spicy-hot word 'slutten' -- which I assume is the plural of 'slut.' I think it's trying to say that they're confused by his cover of Cash covering Depeche Mode when Cash had so many good songs of his own.

Norwegian haters notwithstanding, Harald Thune does a pretty excellent cover of a cover here. I swore that he was from the South somewhere until I found out he was from Norway. Talk about a Northern twang!

I'm not quite sure the world is ready for the next step of music eating itself, though. What if a Swede covers Thune covering Cash covering Depeche Mode?

Dogs and cats living together! Mass Hysteria!

(There's a number of other interesting versions, including a cover of Cash covering U2's 'One' where Harald sings "you want me to matter" instead of "you ask me to enter" ... perhaps he's bashful? I don't know, because.. uh.. all the pages are in Norwegian. Did I mention that all the pages are in Norwegian?)

Shouts out to Faith, who won't get them until her internet is turned back on.

Posted by darwin at 12:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)